fat and happy
Today is going to be a busy day. I have an organizers’ training in Northampton and then later I am off to a show at Harry’s: Sister Spit. Seriously, I’m getting a little worn out by everything. Transporting my body from one job to another, then going home and not necessarily being exhausted, but wanting my time to myself, not being able to afford my gym membership anymore and anyway, my gym was all the way in Northampton–too far, mentally anyway, for me to make the trip. All the while I am watching my middle expand and not knowing what to do about it.
I had one of those waking dreams this morning where I was hiking up Mount Tom. Then, I had a waking memory of the first year I lived in Holyoke and how I felt so uncomfortable living where I was that I had to get out every day. I would do anything I could not to be in that house with those people. I went to the gym that was in Northampton and at that time not too far away, mentally or anything. I walked in the evenings. Even at work I took 15-minute walks at lunch. I was a walking machine. At home or at work or wherever, I didn’t eat carbs, (which eventually came back to haunt me, because now I crave them whereas I never did before). I lost 35 lbs.
These days, I can see all of that work undone before my eyes, in the mirror, when I’m sleeping, when I’m walking, when I’m sitting. Everything is different on me, the padding is in different and scarier, more irreversible, places. Of course, I haven’t brought back the 35 lbs., but still, it’s coming back in different places. I berate myself for it but I don’t do anything about it. I wonder if other people are starting to notice it, too.
Thing is, I don’t know how to bring back the same circumstances as before to motivate me. It seems impossible. I don’t live somewhere that I don’t want to be. I’m not in any terrible friendships or relationships that draw me into myself. Perhaps I need negative motivation. I need something to want to run away from, and I don’t have that. My old job wore me down so much that I was too tired to run away from it at the end of the day (until I quit it for good). At this point I see myself as beginning to live the life I have wanted, not ruled by bad housemates, a bad job, or loneliness. At this point I am fat and happy.
Except for the fat part, I guess.
daily life | sighclub November 9, 2003
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By sarah, November 10, 2003 @ 10:42 am
i’m in the same exact position! fat and happy! i tend to only work out more often and lose weight when i’m unhappy.
By kristen, November 10, 2003 @ 6:28 pm
Man, I don’t know. I so want to enjoy life–this is just one thing that sucks about it.